After the quite alarming post I did on Saturday night I am doing much better now. I received so many inbox messages and I'm so happy and flattered with them. One message was from my aunt, who promised me a few months ago to do some cleaning for me as a birthday present. I didn't feel guilty about collecting that present because she offered it before so we worked all day and now my kitchen and living room are completely clean. I still need to do the bathroom and two other rooms but the most important spaces in the house are clean and so cosy! I could not resist taking some pictures of my living room as it looks now.
Here is the infamous 'after' picture of the picture I had posted in my last post:
Looks better eh? The stuff on my table are in fact my study books that I have yet to find a place for since my bookshelves are overflowing. I've put some birthday cards and other nice stuff there as well. I still need to pin those to my kitchen cupboard but for now they look nice.
This is my couch, on which I am sitting typing this right now. I made the curtains myself; they have ladybugs on it. I have a ladybug tattoo on my foot as well that's actually inspired by these curtains. They are some kind of symbol of freedom for me.
This is my old granny TV, with built in VHS player! In the cupboard is my collection of video tapes (mostly Disney). Even though my TV is huge, heavy and not very handy at all, I love it and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
The flowers really are the finishing touch.
And what is a lovely morning like without the most delicious breakfast? Spinach salad with cherry tomatoes, avocado, olive oil, flax and hemp seeds and cashews. Yum!
In the mess, I sometimes forget what a beautiful little house I have and how happy and blessed I feel to live here. I really hope I can keep it clean now, despite being away all the time and despite owning so much stuff. Forsaking household tasks is a symptom of depression. However, I think that it might be something else too. I am incredibly disorganised. I am unable to keep a diary or any kind of schedule. I have a very scattered concentration; one moment I'm literally hyperfocused, and the other I'm completely disoriented. I even paint during my lectures because it helps me stay hyperfocused, while lectures, even though I often find them very interesting, make me fall asleep. It's not that I don't want to clean my house, clean my mind or keep a schedule, I just can't do it. And it drives me crazy.
I think these problems are not only a symptom but also the source of my depression, apart from the traumas that I've had in my past and still have issues with. I think I might have undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. I've decided to pluck up the courage and talk about it with my therapist, from whom I even kept this because I was too ashamed of it and therefore always waved away, as I did with so many of my other problems. This is yet another that I have to face as well. But I have regained confidence in myself and I really hope I can sort it out, be it with therapy or medication. This is really a huge step for me as I have always shunned any form of therapy or medication and am afraid of it. I took the step to visit a therapist at the beginning of this year, and now I'm taking another step to help try and finish off one of the deepest roots of my problems.
Thanks to everyone who read my last post and was concerned with me. I feel so happy to have so many dear people around me. Thank you!
Love,
Jopie
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