Sunday, 9 November 2014

Pile of black shit.

This blog is all about happiness and how I try to achieve it.

I haven't been posting much. This is well.. because I am not exactly happy at this moment. And I am about to be completely honest about this as honesty is the key to acceptance and acceptance is (hopefully) the key to getting better. At least, that's what I've learned about my depression so far.
I'm not sure if it is wise to throw all my shit online. Probably not, but I'm going to do it anyway.
And remind, these thought patterns is my depression speaking.

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. It was not planned and it was not really wanted as I have more on my head right now and am not done yet with my education, I am far too busy and not financially stable. After two weeks of freaking out whether I was pregnant or not, I started bleeding and lost a tiny little lump of cells. Or, as it grew in my mind, a dead child.

A close family member of mine that I care almost more about than anything in the world is very very sick and apart from me growing to want this child (and doubting about it like hell) I really wanted them to enjoy it too. I am also really struggling with their illness personally and having a hard time dealing with it. For which I feel guilty, for who is the one to actually be sick?

My best friend had a beautiful little baby a few days ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and an even more difficult delivery. I have been with her most of the few hours I had off this week, as I currently work 4 days a week and have lectures 5 days a week. I am so in love with the little boy and I am so incredibly happy everything worked out fine but looking at him also makes me remember the own insignificant lump of cells that I have just lost. For which I feel guilty, because my friend has suffered so much more than me during her pregnancy and delivery and deserves uncomplicated joy more than anyone else.

I'm not looking forward at all to the winter. I feel it in my body already, the lack of light and warmth and the darkness that comes with it. I feel like I have been keeping myself so busy lately as to ignore myself and to ignore dealing with my own problems or being able to ask anyone for help about it. I have been working a lot and spending almost all of my time off trying to be there for my loved ones that I forget about me. I don't want to talk about me. I don't want to annoy my loved ones with my troubles. I don't want to face my troubles as I am scared of them. I'm constantly lying to myself.

In fact, I am running away from me. I don't dare to invite people to my house because it is a reflection of my mind and a constant reminder that I'm not doing well. I even avoid going to my own house because it reminds me too of how bad I am doing and how I can't cope. It looks like this and I don't even want to start about what it smells like:

I honestly don't even know where to start cleaning up my shit, both in my head and in my house. I don't know how either. I am surrounded with dirt that I am so desperately trying to get away from. I feel guilty about everything and I feel guilty about feeling guilty because well, it's just me. Tiny insignificant me, with insignificant problems while everyone around me has so much worse stuff to deal with. I feel guilty about this post because I don't want to expose this part of myself. I don't want people to see this.

I don't want to ask for help. I don't want people helping with my shit because it's stupid. It's stupid that I can't even clean my house, or keep it clean. It's stupid for me to feel this. My problems are stupid. My head is stupid. My limitations are stupid. My attempts at trying to lead a life are stupid. I am stupid. I am stupid for trying to run away from it instead of facing it with my head raised. I feel guilty trying to ask people close to me for help because I don't want to burden them with my problems that are already too overwhelming for me while they have so much to deal with themselves and I am already trying to be there for them. I want to be able to raise my head, spend a week to completely clean my house, be able to clean my head and be happy but I can't. I am holding myself in a grip that I can't seem to get out of. And every time that I try to do something about it it feels like I am mopping the floor with the water tap open (that is a dutch phrase that translates quite well how I feel).

And this is what I have been feeling since well.. I can't remember when it started to be honest. I am so tired. I am so, so tired. I can't even cope with my own head, how am I supposed to cope with my life? I can't keep on blocking all of my feelings but if I let everything go it will be a bottomless pit of blackness and filthy rotting mess that I frantically try to hide from everyone.
 But on the other hand I do want people to reach out to me. To say: 'Jopie, I see you are struggling with yourself. I wanna give you a hug. I won't say anything. I won't judge. And then let me guide you into cleaning up your problems inside and out. Let's get to business now!'
And truth is, by saying this I already know how hard it is to accept any help, especially after posting this. Why? Because I feel guilty. I don't want to burden people with my problems because they are mine and not someone else's. I don't want to pour my pile of shit onto others.

This above post hopefully describes what depression feels like. I hope you understand my crazy negative thought spirals. If you have a loved one going through a depression I hope you can understand them a little bit better. Again, I am not asking for help even though deep down I know I need it.

And this will probably be my only post going into detail about this. It's a filthy and rotten part of me that I detest and don't like to expose. However, there cannot be light without darkness, and this too, as horrible as it feels and as much as I'm trying to hide it, is a part of me.


1 comment:

  1. Your honesty and openess is appreciated, Jopie. I wish you much love and light <3

    I also understand your maternal jealousy feelings. I have been in a similar situation and it's difficult to deal with especially when you are unsure about having a child and then feel empty because you don't. I haven't explained that very well or accurately, sorry. Just know that you aren't alone and that you shouldn't feel guilty for your feelings.